Saturday, May 1, 2010

Trust Me, Trust Me

Have you ever been on a down-ward spiral? Spinning out of control emotionally? Knowing your "feelings" were false, but not reigning them in? Continuing on the downhill run

Recently, I experienced a day like this. Something that should have overjoyed me, instead made me feel insignificant and small. Worthless. Unseen. Unheard. Actually, this event didn't make me feel this way. I chose to feel this way. Plain old, ugly sin. (The same ugly sin that I spoke about recently on our women's retreat! When will I learn?) Then, after believing these lies, doubts crept in. Serious doubts.

Are we crazy to be adopting a child? What are we thinking? How will we afford more in our family? How will Reid and I divide our energy evenly between all of the children? Doesn't anyone care about me? Why I can't I show how I care for others in more tangible ways? How will we afford this adoption? Is the price of it justified? Is there really a price on the life of a child(ren)? Why can't life be easier? Why do I have an easier life than others? Why can't I do less? Why can't I do more? Does my life have any impact? What legacy am I preparing for my boys? In me, why can't people see more and more of Christ? Why can't I willingly surrender more and more of me?

Hard questions. And, honestly, I KNOW the answer to all of them. Three little letters - G-O-D! He holds the answer to everything! And, He is so sweet to meet me in the MESS! He knew the encouragement I desperately needed and provided it! Over and over...again and again...

Over the past few days these are a few ways the Lord has ministered to my weary, doubtful spirit...

1.) A precious little girl named Ally gave of herself to sell root beer floats at the co-op to help raise money for the adoption. Ally is in the second grade, and did this completely on her own. What a reminder of the love of Christ! Thank you, Ally!

2.) I received a note from a student that said, "Dear Mrs. Beebe, You have blessed my life! I love how you always honor God in everything you do. You know that you don't teach Human Body, but you teach students. This characteristic is one of the many that makes you one of my favorite teachers."

3.) A mom handing me an envelope at co-op telling me it was a gift from the Lord for the adoption. When I opened the envelope later, I was amazed by the generosity of this family we barely know! Astounded by such a generous blessing!

4.) A friend sitting in my room at co-op during lunch and listening.

5.) A friend letting me weep tears and loving me in it.

6.) A sister listening to the confession of a sister ravaged by doubts, and loving me the same.

7.) A phone call from Godwin, our friend who ministers in Ghana. He is preparing to break ground on a hospital that will service the poorest of the poor in this country.

8.) Another final paper from a student in my Human Body class that read, "From these verses, I learned that God loves us very much and knew about everything and everybody before he created us. He knows the number of hairs on every person's head and the number of grains of sand in the world. He thinks about us all the time and has plans for us. We are his and he made everything. He knows everything about us and made us the way we are. We were created to worship him." By: G, 4th grade

9.) Our six year old receiving the game ball at his ball game last night. Astounded at God's creation of him to be so athletic.

10.) Rejoicing that Adam raised over $5,000 on his 100 mile bike ride for Blood Water Mission. Because of Adam's obedience to God, over 5,000 people in Africa will be provided with clean water to drink!

11.) Having Omar and Lamar with us this weekend, and loving Omar through something really difficult. Asking him hard questions about it, with him avoiding eye contact, and then telling him that this did not change our love for him. He immediately wrapped his arms around me and said, "I love you."

12.) Spending the afternoon with the homeless children downtown at an Olympic Day. Moved by the fact that today was the largest turnout of volunteers (most from our small church), and seeing the kids enjoy the games of the day. One girl, Shamayia, was very sad and uncomfortable being there. Remembering holding the orphan in Guatemala while I was holding Shamayia gripped my heart deeply. So many children long to be held, kept safe, loved... What an honor that this was part of what God would have me do today...stop my life for a few moments simply to hold a frightened child. (The picture at the top of this blog was taken today by my friend, Tracie. I included it with this post because of what I experienced in holding her, but also because that feeling of safety and assurance is what I have when I trust in God. I am able to rest because HE is holding me. I didn't see this photo until I'd written this post!)

13.) Having a husband who works so hard for our family and for others. He does so very much, and I've realized he does it for so very little. Recognition and money are surrendered to humility and contentment. Reid is such a background giver. He willingly sacrifices for us, and for others. As I type this blog, he is in the den preparing two different sermons for tomorrow to deliver in two different settings. I know he will be up late, but no one else will (unless they read this blog). I'm blessed that this humble man loves me so.

14.) More precious notes, gifts, and e-mails from students and parents. Handmade gifts from students - necklace, bracelets, muffins, bread! Three students have started blogs encouraging people to live out their faith.

15.) T-Shirt Sales! Our family has sold 35 t-shirts so far! The O'Learys have sold 44! WOW! Thank you!

16.) Two phone calls for yard sale donations for the sale in a few weeks! Thank you!

17.) A son who has written a song, "Hold Onto Him" and will play it tomorrow at the Water Angels service for the homeless. Excited that two friends, Paige and Tyler, will be joining the band tomorrow and singing with them!

18.) Watching Franklin, our 11 year old, respond to his baseball coach with respect while some players on the team seem not to know the meaning of the word. Waiting at 10:00 pm while Franklin and one other player rake the field after the game while the other families pull out of the parking lot. Instead of being frustrated, truly being thankful that he was one willing to do it.

19.) Thrilled that Weston was invited to a birthday party. He hasn't experienced very many of these, so I was excited that he spent Friday night with his friend celebrating the birthday!

20.) Opening a precious book of memories handmade by Amy. Smiling as I remembered the fun we had when she and the girls visited. Blessed by her beautiful creation, and the humor hidden within the pages! Thank you!

21.) Indulging myself at a buffet-style dinner, then coming home to read Kristie's blog...swallowing this reality, and thankful for the reminder.

22.) Finding a surprise adoption gift in the mail from a distant friend. Crying when I opened it because it was so unexpected. The timing of opening it, when I was swarmed with doubts. Because of the place where I was this particular day, Reid had been praying for God to send encouragement. God was whispering, "Trust me, trust me. You are in my hands. I'm holding you." (Like the picture above...)

I think I've realized that Reid and I may never live a LARGE life in this world. Surprisingly, I'm finding my preference is the small, quiet life. Reading with the boys, having guests around our table enjoying a simple meal, a modest home where anyone would be comfortable, giving what we can realizing it is the heart behind the gift and not the amount of it (thanks sis!), rejoicing in others who are willing to step up to serve rather than feeling like my service doesn't measure up, trusting when it doesn't make sense, and realizing I desire to be living for eternity and not for this world.

But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD,I say, " You are my God." Psalm 31:14

Finally, I've added a few prayer requests in the upper right corner of the blog. Thank you for surrendering your time to pray these over us. I've also continued to post on the adoption timeline on the right side of the blog. We are wrapping up our homestudy and moving on toward the dossier! Please pray for our decision with regards to the child(ren). We desire God's discernment and wisdom.

Thanks for checking on us. We are blessed you are choosing to be part of this journey. After this post, you know the raw side of my heart.

Still Growing,


1 comment:

Julie said...

Adoption is certainly not easy, but oh, how God reveals himself on the journey. I'm so thankful that He gave you little "God smiles" and that you had the eyes to recognize them. "He is not safe, but He is good."