Thursday, May 24, 2007

It's late...I should go to bed...I should BE in bed!

I feel like writing though.

It's been a good week, and it's been a strange week. Nothing bad has happened, but part of me just feels weird. I think I'm just missing Ansley.

Sometimes, I think it's a little easier, but then something "triggers" all of the emotions. Today, I was reading a new book "The Allure of Hope." In Chapter One there was an story of a woman battling cancer and in her cancer-ridden state, full of pain and suffering, she could say, "To be consumed with God is my focus."

Yes. That was Ansley.

It made me remember.

My birthday just a couple of days away. It makes me happy to think of all the fun birthday memories I have had with Ansley and Amy. Such laughter with friends! Silliness and hilarious memories. When was the last time I laughed like that? Do I still laugh like that? Can I?

Yes. I know I can. Sometimes it is hard to still find the laughter in life though. I'm still hurting. Life just seems so...different.

Just being honest.

Sometimes the hurt is bigger than others. Tonight it's bigger. Not all-consuming as some days have been, but the pain of my loss tonight has a heaviness in it.

Tonight I read a quote from Helen Keller. After reading her biography a few years ago, I truly have an appreciation for the way she triumphed over challenges in life. She said,

"With every friend I love who has been taken into the brown bosom of the earth a part of me has been buried there; but their contribution to my being of happiness, strength and understanding remains to sustain me in an altered world." - Helen Keller

Ansley's "contribution to my being" remains with me. And, I do now live in an "altered world." My friend - the compassionate, passionate, preaching encourager - is no longer here. And, I am truly very happy for her. Very happy.

It's just going to take me some time to figure out my own living in this new world without Ansley. Every marked occasion - birthdays, holidays, (Mother's Day filled my mind with thoughts for Colby and Gray) big life events, etc... will be different for me whether others know it or not.

I am thankful for the time I had with Ansley. For those of you out there with close friends; do not ever take for granted the gift you have been given. It is priceless. Cherish it while you have it. And, make strong memories. I have found too, that the memories are priceless as well.

Amy, these are for you - I know you remember too...

Thanks for the memories...I am so blessed to have them! And...I know the "Missions Mrs." is doing cartwheels in heaven right now - That's Ansley.


Amy said...

Robin, part of our being friends is that we understand each other's feelings. I feel the same way...good days and other days I feel sad. But I think it is good to remember even when it makes you sad. Yes, birthdays were always a blast when we got together. That is different, but we know that things will constantly change. But GOD doesn't! Love Ya...Amy

laura said...

Robin, thanks for the post. Thanks for being transparent and sharing treasured photos. Ansley is blessed to have friends like you and Amy. You're right in reminding us to treasure times spent with friends. I will pray for you that God will ease your suffering.