There are days this blog does not reflect the "real" me. Frankly, my posts have been sporadic this summer because of not wanting to really share the "real" me with others out there who seem to have the faith, endurance, and grit to make this journey in JOY everyday.
On Saturday during the Yard Sale, as I watched the gray sky open up the gush of water, I asked God, "Why do I seem to feel like the sky looks? Gray and dreary?" Once the rain stopped, and I surveyed the mess, I asked God, "Why does my heart feel like our backyard looks? Just a mess of useless junk that has no value?"
This summer I have battled depression. No, not just a "low time," but true depression. Days where I simply exist. Days where I've sobbed in my bedroom floor for hours - heaving cries to God. Desperate days when everything around me is tinted a shade of pewter gray. Fractured days of not connecting with my family. With a loving husband, incredible children and precious friends - still having days where I feel utterly alone. Days where the emotion I identify the most with is...hopelessness.
I shared with a friend yesterday that I've battled depression all summer, and she said, "Well, your blog doesn't say that."
So, I apologize for only sharing the good, but leaving out the struggle. You have not received a true impression of where I've been emotionally since May. God has done and is doing amazing things, and I praise Him. However, my emotions have sprinkled doubt in my thoughts.
Where is my JOY? My joy is found in the Lord, yet lately I have cried to Him, "Where are you? I don't feel you near me. Please show yourself to me. Please, Lord. Please." I've been crying out, "Save me, Lord." But a friend gently reminded me, my cry needs to be, "Glorify yourself, Father." Yes, I am willing to lay down my life for the sake of your name. Please help me learn what you are trying to teach me.
When I look beyond today, it's more than I can handle. So, I'm trying to only see the next step. Looking too far ahead causes me great anxiety.
Reid left me a note yesterday. The lyrics to this old hymn spoke to the deepest places in my heart,
When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest in His unchanging grace
In every high and story gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood
When all around my soul give way
He then is all my hope and stay.
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.
In two hours, I'm having a medical procedure done that will hopefully help with some physical struggles that have also ensued this summer. Please pray that this will help some of my emotional state too. Ugh! Please pray for my recovery too over the next week or so.
I need to TRUST in my GREAT GOD! He is able to save. My hope is in HIM ALONE. Please pray for me to know His goodness.
I cry to you, O LORD; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." Psalm 142:5
Finally, thank you for loving me in my mess. I am grateful for the words of encouragement so many have given to us. For the surprise visits from friends (Kelly and Kevin!), for the unexpected gifts toward the adoption, for the words of truth spoken in love, for the gifts from God that He continually pours out...For all these things - I am grateful. Thank you!
PS - After I typed this, I stepped away from the computer to get ready to head to the doctor. I realized the Lord's goodness. Today I'm having something done that will alter my body so I will no longer be able to carry children in the womb. (Minor surgery that I suppose any woman would grieve.) Although I will no longer be able to carry a child, I realized God's timing is perfect and he has already given us another son! Oh, I Praise HIM! The Lord knew the timing of all of this and has His hand over it! Our sweet son may not be carried by my womb, but he is already in our hearts! God is good!