One Month Ago

At 7:15 am, exactly one month ago today, we received the call from Todd that Ansley had entered God's presence. Because we were all still at home, Colby was able to tell Mason and Franklin the devastating news.

I can still remember sitting in the floor of our kitchen crying. So numb... so surreal...

Over the past month, many emotions have stirred in my heart...sadness, indifference, numbness, and mostly loneliness and the longing for a friend like Ansley.

However, I must say that when I feel this way, I am convicted of my selfish nature and selfish thoughts. The Lord has been so good to me. For I do have friends that I know care. I have relationships with people on a daily basis that share their hearts, and I am glad. I have other special friends on this Earth to help me in the hard times.

I think I just miss the immediate sharing that I had with her. She could speak Truth to me and I to her. She made me laugh at myself instead of making me feel guilty when I failed. She helped me keep things in proper perspective and would always help me keep my eyes on Christ.

Since her death, I have found myself almost "pulling back" from others that I would normally would not. I have found myself quickly and purposefully changing the subject is someone wants to know how "I" am doing. I have found myself living life in a daze to some degree.

And, I am frustrated with myself for not taking the time to write to Todd, Kelsey, Colby, Graylyn, and Terry. But, there is just a part of me that doesn't want to. I know that is something I need to do, but I am avoiding the hurt.

There are days - like today - where I just don't want to face the reality that she is gone. I am so thankful she is in the presence of God, but truly I miss picking up the phone and just hearing her voice. There is a void there. I still have pictures of us around the house, and every time I see one, I have to tell myself, "She's not here anymore."

I realize that God gave me a gift during the time that Ansley was in my life. A TRUE friend. I realize that there will NEVER be another Ansley. But I need to allow myself the possibility that there may be another close friend sometime down the road. And, I don't need to minimize the friendships that are already in place.

Finally, I read a BLOG today of someone also coping with personal loss. It validated my feelings in some way. I have appeared to be "doing good" from any outsiders perspective, but I can acknowledge the pain. It is real. I hurt. I am thankful that I have a Savior who know it personally, and who will carry it if I allow him to do so.

God is my Great SUSTAINER in this grief.

"Grief is like the waves of the ocean...It ebbs and flows."