My friend, Jennifer, who is also planning to serve on the mission field, states it this way:
"Please continue to pray for our family as we navigate this delicate dance of living here but preparing in so many ways to be going as well."
I've never been a good dancer.
There are days that I feel I am not "doing" this part of it well. I love to be with my family and see the kids play with their cousins, but my mind is filled with tension knowing the goodbye will come all too soon. I long to be with my friends here, but every time I'm with them I think of leaving them and it's hard. Usually, I battle tears on the drive home. I want to know all of the answers to the questions, but Jesus has not unveiled very much yet. I yearn to be in Africa...I long to stay here. I want to live the life Jesus calls me to...I say I don't want to be "comfortable," but life here is..."comfortable." This isn't. It's scary.
My mind bombards me with questions, "Are Reid and I walking in unity? Am I giving the boys what they need? Does Godwin seem happy? What do I need to pack for the bedroom? Bathroom? Kitchen? For Hygiene? First Aid? Entertainment? For school - for four grades and kindergarten? When am I going to make time to see your family and friends? When will I see my two grandmothers? What will I make for dinner tonight? When can I grade the boys' school work? I only have a few more months here... Am I making the memories I should be making? Am I cherishing every moment? Am I trusting God? Do I see His goodness? Am I LIVING COMPLETELY FOR JESUS NOW?"
And that's when the music stops.
"AM I LIVING COMPLETELY FOR JESUS NOW?"
This is the question I'm wrestling with because everything in my life should be ALL ABOUT HIM. Even in this chaos, I can find my peace in him. He is sovereign. He is all sufficient. He is good. He knows the answers to these questions. I don't.
I do know that I want ALL OF ME to reflect ALL OF HIM.
Lord, will you lead me in this delicate dance? Will your arms guide me across the dance floor? I want to follow your steps, and move with you to the tempo of your leading. Please guide me Lord. I need your help.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9