Wordless Wednesday

Time with Colby and Graylyn

This past weekend, I got to spend some time with Colby and Graylyn. It was touching to see how they are growing, but, honestly, heart-wrenching for me as well. The only tears that ran down my cheeks the entire weekend, was after Colby and Graylyn were out the door to leave. It was so emotional for me to be with them...but so good to see their smiling faces! I miss them so much!

Okay, enough melodrama - Here's what I really want to say...

First, Colby, your scrapbook was AWESOME! Thank you for bringing it to show to me! I felt honored that you wanted me to see it! Thank you for making a special trip to get it before you came over!

Colby was ecstatic with his TOBY MAC shirt. Mason got it for him when he and Andrew went to the concert. He was totally thrilled! Can you tell?

After I gave him the shirt, I gave Colby the letter that Mason had written him. Colby stopped what he was doing, ripped it open, and read the entire letter. People were trying to talk to him, hug him, etc... However, Colby was intent on reading his letter from his friend. What a beautiful picture of friendship!Colby actually let me hug him! Something that is a HUGE joke between us! When he would spend the night, he would pretend he didn't want a "good-night-hug." I always squeezed one in though! Now, I think he really likes these hugs! I do, too! I only wish I could hug you more often!
Beautiful Graylyn! When I walked in the room, you jumped in my arms. You held me so tight...for a long time. I miss you, Boo! You are growing up. I see so much of your mother in you. In fact, I think I have a picture of her making the same face you are making in this picture! I miss you so much, please know you will forever hold a special place in my heart. As Max Lucado wrote in one of your favorite books "You - Graylyn - are special."

I look forward to seeing you grow up, and sharing lots of stories with you about your Mom. I loved her so much. Sweet Graylyn, I love you so much as well!

Colby and Graylyn, there is so much I want to say. However, this is not the place. Everytime I begin to write all that I want to say, I become so emotional that I can't focus. Therefore, I'll be brief.

I want you both to know that you are so loved. As I told you in High Point, our family prays for each of you by name daily. You are lifted up to God's Throne. He loves you and He is holding you.

The Beebes love you so much! We are all hopeful that there will be a trip for you to Tennessee in the near future! Yee-haw!

By the way, Colby, thanks for the traditional "rabbit ears!" As usual...

Turning Point

I still experience the feeling of loss and pain from Ansley's death though not nearly as frequently as in the beginning. I was able to sing in PRAISE to God on Sunday without tears rolling down my cheeks as I sang the words - "Blessed be the name of the Lord - On the road marked with suffering - Though there's pain in the offering - Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I was able to sing it with joy because she is finally in her HOME after living a life of being "homeward bound." It was a very strong turning point for me. I did not feel the heaviness and sorrow. I didn't feel the pain for her in my heart. I was truly FILLED WITH JOY AND PRAISE without the accompaniment of PAIN! Yippee and Yahoo!

Our God is so Great!

Remembering Dates

Dates etch so easily on my mind.

I must have inherited it from my Mamaw though because she can quote every birthday in the family...her siblings, children, grand children, and great-grandchildren - Amazing! Being able to remember dates can be a wonderful thing!

Dates that are significant in my life and bring smiles...
each of the boys' birthdays, the anniversary of the day I met Reid (which is also Franklin's birthday), our wedding anniversary, and, of course, Christmas...

There are other dates that come by every year that cause me to remember difficult things...
in July, it's the anniversary of Reid's mom's death...on September 11th, it's the anniversary of the World Trade Center tragedy and of my grandfather's death...in October, I remember the horrible car wreck on the Savannah Bridge...in January on the day that is also Mason's birthday, it's the anniversary of my diagnosis with cancer...and, this next February forward, I'll remember Ansley departure from Earth. I'm not listing each specific date here, but the exact day is forever known to me.

As is today...

March 29th, three years ago, Ansley received the news that it was cancer. "The C word." Colby and Graylyn stayed with me while she went to the doctor.

I remember when Todd and Ansley arrived after hours and hours of waiting. We hugged and cried and cried and hugged.

No one really knew what to say and, for a time, the air was filled with "what the doctor had said...what the next steps would be...chemo options...etc..." Then we fell, literally, onto our knees and we PRAYED!

Prayers filled with emotion, soaking all four of our faces with tears silently dripping to the floor.
Holding hands with each other, bowing before the throne of God - begging for Ansley's life - and yet, the ultimate prayer being that the ultimate outcome of her cancer be what would "MOST GLORIFY HIM."

I remember each of us praying for the salvation of her father...Ansley specifically asking God to use this to draw her father close and make her Dad one of God's children. I remember praying for Colby and Graylyn and the realization that God was weaving the testimony of their own life. I remember, honestly, feeling like Todd would have the more difficult road to travel as he would be forced to watch someone he loved so dearly suffer...Oh, how hard that is!

Todd and Ansley both somewhat naive and protected from fear of what laid ahead. After facing this with both of our own mothers, Reid and I were fully aware of the suffering journey they could possibly now be beginning.

With Mom's bone marrow transplant, and the horrible final months for Reid's mother...we knew how hard this could be. Watching pieces of someone actually die before your eyes...visits to the hospital where you simply sob and sob walking out...placing some shoes into a box and having your mother-in-law say from the bed, "I hope you can use those shoes"...the shell of someone you love withering away to under 100 pounds.... Cancer is horrific in so many ways. However, if your eyes are fixed on Christ - He does sustain you!

I read "Streams In the Desert" this morning, March 29th, and my entry header read, "the day Ansley received the news - read this on the living room floor."

After our prayer time, I read the entry out loud to Ansley and Todd. I won't go into the details, but, suffice it to say, it is a meaningful piece to me.

"What do you want me to do with this, Lord?" I prayed. (Truthfully, I didn't want to spend all day "reliving that day" in my mind.) God gave me His heart and turned my focus onto another grieving soul.

I went and bought 2 Easter lilies because of the passage in Streams in the Desert, a balloon for the "promise of blue skies," PEEPS Easter candy for the knowledge that the sun will "peep" out from behind the clouds, and I filled 16 plastic Easter Eggs with God's Promises for my friend.

I drove over to her house expecting to simply leave this all on the front porch, but God was so SWEET to give me some time with her. I gave her the Easter lily, PEEPS, and balloon while her children and Braden his the eggs for a "Special Easter Egg Hunt." My friend smiled and giggled as she found the Eggs and read each promise. I needed to see happiness and joy. god provided. It was so nice to feel like my pain could be directed to encourage someone else.

I drove home and placed MY Easter lily on the porch. The buds are still closed. I bought them both that way. I know the buds WILL OPEN and BE BEAUTIFUL in God's perfect timing...and there will be "blue skies" ahead for my dear friend, and for me.

It's been a special day, and one I am thankful for. March 29th will always have significance in my life.

"Consider the lilies of the field..."

Streams In The Desert

"Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Streams in the desert...Because I have given streams in the desert, To give drink to my chosen people." Isaiah 43:19-20

Yesterday I was in the desert.

I grieved all afternoon for many different things. It seemed as I began grieving the loss of Ansley, I began to realize other losses and longings in my life to grieve as well. I cried...and I cried. I cried out to God.

It was as if I'd been hit by a Tidal Wave of grief that continued to swell bigger and bigger in my heart. However...God provided Streams in my desert! He pulled me up and out of my grief into the joy of the love that He has for me!

Some of the ways God answered my cries:

DESERT - The suffocating loss I was feeling for Ansley...

God provided a time for me to share with my dear friend Tracie. One of the only people here in Knoxville that I feel can begin to understand my grief. She has experienced loss in her life to a severe degree. She understands...She knows...

I called and left her a message to pray for me. She immediately called me back. She listened. She shared. Her words directed my heart to the Father. And, SHE PRAYED FOR ME!! The time of prayer was the turning point of my day.

DESERT - Grieving my relationship with Reid...

As I hung up the phone with Tracie, I realized that I had (as Tracie very subtly and gently pointed out) not given Reid the opportunity to share in my pain. As ONE in marriage, I needed to share with him what I was feeling. (Truthfully, I should have actually talked to him first, but I believe God walked me through conversations in the proper order.)

Anyway, I called Reid and asked him to pray for me. He did. I shared with him many of the things I felt I was grieving. I shared that since returning home from Ansley's service on Feb. 18th, I felt as if we had drifted further and further apart. I MISSED HIM! I LONGED FOR HIM! I WANTED TO BE UNITED WITH HIM!

Reid heard me. He hurt for me. He prayed for me. How precious to begin the process of restoration of our relationship.

DESERT - Feeling alone in my grief...





It was now time to pick the boys up from school. Upon entering the van, Mason immediately asked me what was wrong. He could tell I had been crying. I simply said, I was missing Ansley. He understood.

He came home and started his guitar lesson with Kenny. HE RECORDED THE SONG HE WROTE FOR ANSLEY! How beautiful! What a gift to me from the Lord! He played and sang...sang and played. Mason wrote the chords for the music and the words to the song! I felt so blessed to just stand and listen. Swept away in joy for the impact Ansley had made on his short life, and unbelievably grateful that Mason has been able to express himself through music.

The song, if I do say so myself, is quite good.

The chorus says, "I want to thank you...for being Christ to me...for being Christ to me..." Wouldn't we all wish that to be the impact we have on another life??

How precious for God to give me that sweet gift, and realizing that this is a blessing that could not have come without the grieving process.

DESERT - Wondering if I would ever experience the depth of friendship I had in High Point with a friend here in Knoxville...

One of the sweetest memories I have with Ansley is reading "Streams In The Desert" by LB Cowman. Reid gave me the book on Valentine's Day 2004 during my own cancer journey. The older boys were staying with Wendy and Adam and our 6 week old Braden was with my dear Aunt Connie. I was forced to send them away because of my inability to care for them as my body prepared to receive treatment. Anyway, it is a precious book to me.

When Ansley was diagnose with Breast Cancer, I gave her the book. In the front of it I inscribed the following:

"Let me hear of your loving kindness in the morning;
For I trust in you;
Teach me the way in which I should walk;
For to You I lift up my soul.
Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies;
I take refuge in You.
Teach me to do your will,
For You are my God;
Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For the sake of Your name, O LORD, revive me.
In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble.
And in your loving kindness, cut off my enemies
And destroy all those who afflict my soul,
For I am Your servant."
Psalm 143:8-12

As Ansley and I journeyed on the suffering road together, I continued to refer back to these verses. "Teach me in the way in which I should walk...Teach me to do your will...For You are my God...For I am Your Servant..."

I continue to cling to God's promises in this passage. God will "teach me" in these current places of pain where I have not traveled before.

The passages in "Streams In the Desert" are about a Godly perspective suffering and persevering in them. Ansley and I would call one another to say, "Have you read Streams today?...I thought about you today when I read the passage....You need to read Streams in the Desert today. Everything is about what you are dealing with...Remember the passage we talked about last night? Well, that same passage in Streams for today. You have GOT to read it!!"

When Ansley and I went on the cruise this summer, one of the greatest memories from that trip was the day she stayed in bed. We talked about so many things. And, I read aloud different passages from "Streams in the Desert." Many days were marked with specific milestones of her journey...the day of diagnosis, the day of her mastectomy, the day of beginning treatment, etc...

All throughout my own copy I have many of the same notations, and also notes about my own struggles and trials. So many of which were intertwined with Ansley's. I can remember reading different entries and feeling like I was reading them for Ansley and how she would receive the words written. Then calling her and telling her to READ IT!

This book was so significant in Ansley's life that it was one of the items chosen to represent her life at the service. Kelsey placed it on a table along with some other things (her cloud shirt, the EAR shirt, smell-good sticks, etc...) outside the sanctuary.

All of this to say, the book has immense meaning and significance to me, and I have passed it along to others struggling with difficult circumstances.

One of the people I shared it with was Tracie. I remember giving it to her the first day I went to her house. (I even think I spelled her name wrong when I inscribed the front of the book.)

Back to the present...my desert of wondering if I would ever experience the depth of friendship I had in High Point with a friend here in Knoxville...

The phone rings...I answer...Tracie says, "Have you been reading your Streams In the Desert? You have got to read March 14th!"

Honestly, I nearly dropped the phone. These were words I had only heard and shared with Ansley in the past... I am awestruck by the answers God gave me this afternoon.

It was God's STREAM IN MY DESERT! What a sweet gift from God!

I went and read the passage. One of the lines says, "Do not be afraid to enter the cloud descending on your life, for God is in it." How I experienced that this afternoon.

I actually made a new notation in my copy of the book. I wrote, "Tracie Ancelet called and asked me to read this. Today has been the hardest day yet since Ansley's passing. How sweet God is to let me taste some of the sweetness of friendship with someone else."

DESERT - feeling isolated from my friends in High Point...

I was feeling like I had lost everything from the 11 years of my life in High Point. I had not spoken to Amy in over a week. Yet, in our last conversation we both promised not to let so much time go by before we called. I was missing her!

She called.

We both connected on our feelings, because we were both feeling exactly the same thing. And...WE LAUGHED!! Oh, that felt SO good!! It's Amy's way!! She always makes me LAUGH!!

We talked about my move to Knoxville. Was I really supposed to be here? Should we move back? Then she asked "How did I know we were supposed to be here?"

I said that I needed to be "out of the way" so that Kelsey and Ansley's relationship could be what it was supposed to be. And, for Ansley and Todd's relationship. (Although I didn't say it, I know our move was also for our marriage and for healing.)

Then Amy said that she and Glenn were doing great. I told her that I remember God revealing that to me at the Women's Retreat. I needed to be "out of the way" so that Amy could stand on her own faith. Not mine.

I realize my response was more about the changes in High Point than actually knowing our place here in Knoxville. I know Reid and I are still figuring that out.

The time with Amy on the phone was "balm to my soul." It was so sweet to reconnect with my "sheltering tree." My precious friend!

DESERT - What is my place here? Am I making a difference anywhere?

Questions that plagued my thoughts. I didn't feel "I" mattered in anyone's life.

Then, I walked out to the mailbox.

Becca sent me a card. I cried when I read it. Her words were soooo humbling.

She said, "I believe you are an answered prayer because I sought the Lord for a long time, asking Him for a friend, a Godly woman who would encourage me in my walk with Him and in my marriage. God is good and lovingly answers prayer.Thank you for your honesty and insight. My marriage and life in general are now centered on God because you chose to mentor me. Love, Becca"

I was soooo humbled. God chose, in His goodness, to use me (???), in my brokenness, to answer a prayer in Becca's life. I am overwhelmed. I know any goodness that comes from me is only the LOVE OF JESUS infused in my spirit. Not me! How grateful I am that HIS love, HIS grace, HIS insight and HIS wisdom are found the words I have spoken to her.

What can I do but fall at the feet of my Savior and thank Him for his goodness.

Becca's walk has INSPIRED ME! I love that she shares her struggles, and her openness about the temptation to go the "wandering way." However, God has given me His eyes to see her as an OVERCOMER with His strength and power. How thankful I am that God has given me a front row seat to witness all that He is doing and will do in her life. Truly, I am honored.

A quote by Edward Bulwar-Lytton she included in the card states, "A good friend will sharpen your character, draw your soul into the light, and challenge your heart to love in a greater way." May we do that for each other in the love of Christ!

God used Becca's words to answer my prayers and cries out to His throne. Thank you, Lord!

DESERT - My unfulfilled expectations of family since moving to Knoxville...

I thought when we moved to Knoxville that I would see my family A LOT. I thought we would "live life together."

In some ways that has happened. In others, it has not. It makes me sad.

However, in God's goodness, and in answer to the prayer I prayed, God gave me such a sweet time with Wendy on the phone. Her heart is one I soooooo admire!!

She lives for the Lord in ALL areas of her life, and God has always used her words to encourage and sharpen me as a Believer. It was the same last night.

I shared my heart and she encouraged. I know she felt my hurt, and hurt alongside me. Wendy is always so faithful with her words.

Up until now, I have not had as much time as I would like with her, but even if that does not change, God showed me again today that she is always there for me. Her discernment in speaking comes from Scripture - not words of this World. I am thankful for that!

What a blessing for God to show me the gifts He has given me within my own family!!

DESERT - Again, my relationship with Reid...longing to be ONE with him...

I was waiting for Reid to come home last night.

Oh, I longed for him to come in and hold me tight. Just a tight hug for his wife with puffy raccoon eyes. His wife who was at the end of herself emotionally from such a wonderfully painful day.

I think I looked out the window 6-7 times after 5:30 just waiting to see his white Maxima in the driveway.

Finally, Reid came home. What a comfort to rest in his strong arms. Just holding my fragile state within his embrace. I NEEDED THAT!

To be in Reid's arms made me feel so safe. My own protective shield. My own place of refuge and safety. In my opinion, resting in the "shadow of God's wings" must feel something like that. Safe. Secure. Protected.

We enjoyed a nice dinner and later that night we talked. We talked and shared in ways we haven't since the returning from Ansley's service in High Point. He heard my heart and I heard his. It was wonderful.

I felt like we were ONE. We were UNITED! We were CLOSE!

What a blessing to have Reid for my husband! God uses Reid's life witness to speak to me in so many ways. Such a Godly man, who goes faithfully to his knees each morning to pray for me. Wow!

Yesterday was full of incredible blessings, but the greatest blessing I received was last night when Reid shared with me the verse he prayed for me yesterday morning.

Reid lifted me up to the Throne of Grace and prayed the following verses over my day:
"Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Streams in the desert...Because I have given streams in the desert, To give drink to my chosen people." Isaiah 43:19-20

In answer to Reid's prayer, God filled my day with Streams in the desert! How great is my God!!

One Month Ago

At 7:15 am, exactly one month ago today, we received the call from Todd that Ansley had entered God's presence. Because we were all still at home, Colby was able to tell Mason and Franklin the devastating news.

I can still remember sitting in the floor of our kitchen crying. So numb... so surreal...

Over the past month, many emotions have stirred in my heart...sadness, indifference, numbness, and mostly loneliness and the longing for a friend like Ansley.

However, I must say that when I feel this way, I am convicted of my selfish nature and selfish thoughts. The Lord has been so good to me. For I do have friends that I know care. I have relationships with people on a daily basis that share their hearts, and I am glad. I have other special friends on this Earth to help me in the hard times.

I think I just miss the immediate sharing that I had with her. She could speak Truth to me and I to her. She made me laugh at myself instead of making me feel guilty when I failed. She helped me keep things in proper perspective and would always help me keep my eyes on Christ.

Since her death, I have found myself almost "pulling back" from others that I would normally would not. I have found myself quickly and purposefully changing the subject is someone wants to know how "I" am doing. I have found myself living life in a daze to some degree.

And, I am frustrated with myself for not taking the time to write to Todd, Kelsey, Colby, Graylyn, and Terry. But, there is just a part of me that doesn't want to. I know that is something I need to do, but I am avoiding the hurt.

There are days - like today - where I just don't want to face the reality that she is gone. I am so thankful she is in the presence of God, but truly I miss picking up the phone and just hearing her voice. There is a void there. I still have pictures of us around the house, and every time I see one, I have to tell myself, "She's not here anymore."

I realize that God gave me a gift during the time that Ansley was in my life. A TRUE friend. I realize that there will NEVER be another Ansley. But I need to allow myself the possibility that there may be another close friend sometime down the road. And, I don't need to minimize the friendships that are already in place.

Finally, I read a BLOG today of someone also coping with personal loss. It validated my feelings in some way. I have appeared to be "doing good" from any outsiders perspective, but I can acknowledge the pain. It is real. I hurt. I am thankful that I have a Savior who know it personally, and who will carry it if I allow him to do so.

God is my Great SUSTAINER in this grief.

"Grief is like the waves of the ocean...It ebbs and flows."

My first BLOG

I am sitting here with my sweet friend Tracie at her kitchen table. I am recieving my first "blogging" lesson. I have only blogged one time in my life, and it happened to be within the past week. I felt it only fitting to have my "first TRUE blogging entry" as my first blogging entry on my own blog.

Here is the "cut-n-paste" version of my post on CBC's website for my beloved friend Ansley:

I have NEVER blogged before. Ansley would be so proud of me! Ha!

Along the journey, God has allowed me to put pen to paper to express my love for Ansley and my love for Jesus Christ. I have included three poems that were written specifically to or about Ansley during this journey along the suffering road.

This first one makes me truly smile as I savor the sweet gift of friendship with Ansley. It was written for her 36th birthday, and truly gives a glimpse into the person she was and the life she lived. It will make you laugh, as you are given a glimpse into her life.

This was read at a SURPRISE party we planned for Ansley. She came to the party thinking she would be blessed to see her two favorite missionaries Godwin and Dr. Lu! Todd knew she would come easily if they were on the venue! May you be blessed to see how Ansley “lived life.” I cherish the gift of friendship the Lord gave me.

Ansley-Instead of a letter, I decided to write you your own personal birthday poem. I does convey my true feelings toward you. I love you so much & you are such a cherished friend that I know whatever I would write would never be adequate. Please accept this humorous, yet true, poem as a gift from my heart.

“Ode ot Ansley”

Ansley, I know you expected Godwin and Lou,But – SURPRISE!
They’re not here; It’s a party for YOU!

Yes, seeing your face really gave us some kicks-
It’s hard to believe that you’re really 36!

It’s wonderful how our friendship has grown over the years-
We have shared lots of laughter; We have shared lots of tears.

And, even as the two of us continue to grow older
I’m thankful we can always cry on one another’s shoulder!

When I’m around you, I love to act SILLY-
I’m so glad you hang out with a Tennessee Hillbilly!

And, since this poem is also your birthday card
Let me thank you once again for decorating my yard!

From your friends and your family, to a brother-in-law who is Dutch
It is amazing to see how many lives you have touched.

Our God has chosen to use you in a very special way,
For you often give encouragement, and even with strangers you offer to pray!

God shows His love in you, just a very simple girl,
Your life has even made an impact on the other side of the world!

Lives now are different in India and Ghana,
And the lives of Colby and Gray are blessed with an incredible Mama!

I’m sure Todd would also say that when God planned his life
Our God’s perfect plan was giving him you as his wife!

A daughter, a mother, a wife, and a friend-
When I think of all the amazing things about you- I don’t know where to begin.

From dancing ballerinas, to famous pirate birthday parties,
You have done so much in your life…even survived Todd’s smelly “farties!”

Oh, I could go on-and-on, but sharing memories would take all night,
Why, you and I could sing a duet from Sing, Spell, Read, and Write!

From cream filled Krispy Kreme doughnuts, to friendly banter with jiving,
From crying at The Notebook to our late night secret diving!

From the prayer service that was held right here,
To all the fun memories that have come from your painted EAR!

From teasing me about looking in the mirror, and that I am too vain,
To our many Girls’ Nights Out, and making Debbie’s “love-letter chain.”

From outdoor spas with foot rubs, to having a yard that was forked,
To really bad chemo songs and poems…From your friends…the DORKS!

To our scrapbooking weekends filled with deep hearty laughter,
Remember “Home’s cool” and “Googleman” and all the fun after!

Hearing about Kelsey’s glamour shots while staying up at Celo,
From Amy’s first bumpy pages, to Amanda’s nose that was running so!

I’ve journeyed beside you over the last year and a half,
You’ve had many difficult times, but also cherished times to laugh!

I’ve witnessed verses from the Bible lived out in your daily life,
As you’ve courageously battled your cancer and faced your daily strife.

I’ve learned that your are truly beautiful with your bald head…
I’ve learned we can have great friend talks just laying on your bed!

I’ve enjoyed all our rides in your Outback Subaru,
And you are still my same friend in your BMW!

You are such a precious gift from our Lord above,
My wish for you tonight is that you feel His abounding love!

Ansley, I am truly thankful, God chose to share your life with me,
I’ve received the gift of friendship, and the same I’ll never be.


The second was written to Ansley in August of 2006. It was a poem written as a letter to her from our Almighty Savior above. It was sent to her when news from the doctors continued to grow bleaker and bleaker for continued life on this earth.

8-14-06
My Beloved Ansley,

Ansley, I am using this to shape you
Into who I desire you to be,
Someone who can always
Trust in Me completely.

My goodness reaches
All the way to the the skies,
Please no longer listen
To all of Satan’s lies.

For, I will never leave you,
You are never alone,
I live inside your heart,
This is My home.

Please remember My promise,
My grace is always sufficient,
When your trust is in Me
There is nothing deficient.

One day, you will rest
In My everlasting arms
For I have kept you
From life’s one true harm.

While on Earth
You can lose many things,
But if you hold onto your faith
You have the most important thing.

I have written my children a letter,
And told them, “Perfect are My ways,
”It’s so hard for them to believe amidst trials,
Some even choose to go astray.

My ways do confuse
The finite human mind,
People questions my reasons,
But no answers will they find.

When Satan came and asked,
“Whom may I sift as wheat?”I answered,
“Have you seen my servant Ansley?”
For, I knew, He could not defeat.

Some of the ways I have used you,
I have not allowed you to see,
For I like to have some surprises,
Once you are with Me.

I know your heart breaks
For your daughter and son,
However, precious one,
With them, please know, I am not done.

You, and those you hold closest,
Have been given a hidden understanding of Me,
I am careful whom I hand this to,
For this part I desire you each to see,

You all have been given
A small glimpse of My pain,
When I allowed My Son to suffer
For all of your shame.

And, you can know, as I have promised,
I will use all of this for good,
For all of those who love Me,
As I promised that I would.

My Beloved Ansley,
Because you have trusted in My grace,
One day, sweet child,
You will behold My face.

Please know that I wrote of this day
Before you were even born,
You can rest in that, sweet child,
Please, do not be torn.

I will not bring you into your eternal home
Until your work is through,
Until that time, precious child,
Know that I am holding you.

Your journey on Earth
Has been courageous and fervent,
One day, you will hear Me say,
“Well done, My good and faithful servant.”

My Love is yours forever,
Your Eternal Father
By the hand of your friend


This final poem is one I wrote while seeking God’s guidance for what Ansley would want shared at the service celebrating her life. This is the poem Reid read as he shared about God’s amazing servant and my beloved and precious friend.

What Ansley Would SayTo Our Hearts Today


Oh Lord – May I ask
What would Ansley want today?
What would she want people to remember?
What would she want people to say?

I come before you to ask
What is to be done with her story?
Her prayer on her knees in the beginning
Was that her life be used for Your glory.

So what can be said
To comfort the hurting?
Those who don’t understand?
And those who are searching?

What would Ansley want, Lord
Can you tell me please?
I’ll stay here and wait to listen –
I’ll remain on my knees…

I ask you, dear child,
You knew her heart so well –
What do you think
That she would have you tell?

Oh, Lord, at the end of her journey
Which You carried her
would not wish this to be about herself
Her desire would be for all glory to go to You.

For whenever someone was touched
By her words or her prayer
It wasn’t herself she wanted them to see-
It was You Alone she longed to share.

She would comfort us and say,
“Don’t shed your tears for me
I am with my Lord and Savior
He has healed me completely!

To her beloved Todd and Colby
And to her precious daughter Gray
She would convey her great love for them
And remind them they will all be together again one day!

Ansley would say
To her family and friends
Always cling to Christ
Until your very end.

He will hold you
On any journey long
For we are so very weak
And our God, so very strong.

And, if there is anyone here
Who doesn’t know Christ
I want you to know Him
Let Him give you the Abundant Life!

For if you don’t know Jesus
You have the worst cancer of all
But one He will take away
If you will only heed His call.

Ansley would want people challenged
Your followers reaching for You higher
For everyone’s heart to be filled
With your all consuming fire!

She would gently beckon us
To soften our hearts and completely yield
To whatever God’s Will is for our lives
And to make that our mission field!

She would ask us to lift our hearts
To You, our voices raise
In a song about Your goodness
Giving You, Your worthy praise.

Is this it, dear Lord?
Are these words from her heart?

Oh yes, My child, it is –
For I have set her apart.

Her path of earthly suffering
Was never walked alone
Ansley has reached her final destination
At the feet of My glorious throne.

When she came before Me
And she beheld my face
She completely understood
My amazing grace.

And, as I placed her crown
Gently upon her head –
I thanked her for walking
Along the path where I had lead.

Then I whispered in her ear
That this was the answer to her first prayer-
As she grew to love me more
As I peeled away the layers.

While she was on Earth
She was given an incredible story
I told her that her prayers were answered-
For it was all for My glory.

As she stood before me
I praised her for being My good and faithful One-
I gently touched her precious face
And told her, “Well done…well done.”

Thank you, Lord for these wordsFor I do believe this is Ansley’s heart.-Robin Beebe
How she glorified God in her life! I will forever be blessed by the way she has touched my life!

Okay, that is the end of my "cut-n-paste." I have had lots of emotions over the past week since returning home. Hopefully, I can write more later, but this will be the end of my "official" first post.